Elias Bradshaw, My Rainbow.

Well, hello! I thought it was time I got a bit personal with you.. we are due a huge catch up! I have been posting here of course but I realised that it’s been a long time since I sat down and wrote something, from me to you.

The last time I wrote something here about our infertility journey, I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 Endometriosis and I had launched my infertility & miscarriage support website, Just Bad Luck. I still speak to hundreds of you privately about your experiences with loss and infertility. It blows my mind that so many of us go through this but there is such little support. It’s such an isolating place to find yourself and I will always aim to raise as much awareness of this as I possibly can. I talk about our journey to everyone and anyone.. people I meet whilst dog walking, family members and of course, people online including you! Many messages I read tell me how I have helped you, let me tell you.. you have helped me too. I have made so many lovely friends through sharing our story online, it blows my mind.

So, at the end of 2021 we decided to do a round of IVF. We had no expectations and to be honest.. it’s all a bit of a blur. A blur of injections, emotions, isolating, results, worry, numbers.. so much goes into IVF and as much as I tried to prepare myself for it all, it still comes at you like a lorry in the dark (is that a saying? I think I just made it up…) We spent that Christmas hiding from the world (if we caught covid, our round would be cancelled) and in January 2022, we found out it had worked and I was indeed pregnant for the fifth time.

Of course, with our experience of recurrent miscarriage, we were not as overjoyed as you see on TV. There were no happy emotional hugs, except a small sigh of relief and a “right, let’s not get our hopes up, yet”.. Because, in reality of course we were happy it had worked (as we hadn’t fallen pregnant since our last loss, three years prior) but we had to keep our hearts guarded, incase another miscarriage were to happen. I was on loads of medication we hadn’t been able to try before (something I’ll write about more indepth over at Justbadluck.co.uk) and very slowly, time started to pass us by. Four weeks, six weeks, nine weeks, twelve weeks – soon we were at the furthest we had ever been. We didn’t buy a single baby item until after our 20 week scan, and even then it felt scary and daunting so we packed it away in a cupboard.

Each scan gave me anxiety and I walked through the Early Pregnancy Unit corridors holding my breath. Then the ultra-scan corridors, and the midwife appointments.. and finally, the induction ward.

After a bit of a traumatic birth, a little bundle of life was placed into my arms. He felt like every tiny, shattered piece of my heart glued back together, all wrapped in a towel, blue eyes staring up at me. He was the cure for my broken heart, I knew that instantly. He always will be my absolute miracle. He has touched the same place that our four previous babies touched, he lived in the place that they also called home and he is the only person in the world to have been there. I know he carries their spirit with him and he will always be my greatest achievement. He is the most happy, beautiful, content little boy and I feel so lucky to be his Mumma.

So here he is, my Elias.. who has blessed me with the best eight months of my life so far..